Sunday, 1 April 2012

Losing Herself

I wrote this during my A Levels when I was in school, one of the pieces of writing that I really love and I'm really proud of... It seemed a shame for it to go to waste.

She watched the red sun sink into the far indigo horizon, illuminating the sky and casting a golden pathway across the ocean. Detached, she felt the waves lapping against her ankles and her sodden jeans stuck to her legs as the water seeped up the material. She sensed tears escaping her glistening eyes and running down her cheeks. Her unresponsive mind followed the slowly fading pathway into the cold, darkness of the deep. She could vaguely feel the soft ripple of the waves now surrounding her. She walked on, not thinking, not caring, her only thought dying in the gloom.
“I love you... I will always love you...” Calm waters flowed around her waist as she stood in the dark abyss. The despair in her mind merged with the numbness from the cold. She threw back her head.
“Why did you leave me? Why did you have to go? I love you...” her voice faltered and tears fell, but he was gone, he would always be gone. She finally succumbed to the intense cold and slipped into the sea, her mind numb as she sunk from awareness...
Suddenly, the sky became light. A loud, deep throbbing and distant, dreamlike voices filled the night, a sudden change from the deep, unforgiving silence.
“Jennifer! Jennifer, are you there?” She didn't react, she couldn't react. There was no feeling in her limbs, she didn't hear the calls.
“Jennifer! Please answer.” The desperate voices came closer, but she was numb, completely unable to respond. The throbbing became louder and spotlights hit her, a loud but muffled sound emerged from a megaphone.
“Jennifer, stay calm we're sending someone down.” She heard noise, but no words. A helicopter hovered over her and a rope lowered as she drifted. Far away, she felt herself soar above the sea, and for a moment she hoped she might see him. She no longer cared about anything else. Thoughts of her lover faded into the back of her mind as confusion crept in. She heard a whirring of blades and distant throb of an engine. She felt the gentle undulation as the aircraft rose and fell.
“Jennifer, Jennifer” She was shivering uncontrollably, and heard the crinkle of metallic foil and the split-second cold as it touched her wet arm. She heard voices, so many voices. Panicking, shouting, getting things done. Her breathing was irregular and she felt a mask placed over her nose and mouth. She instantly breathed better.
“Jennifer, Jennifer” She heard her name and thoughts came rushing back in a torrent.
Is it him? Am I dead? Is he here?
A cheery voice interrupted her hopeful thoughts. “Jennifer, you're safe now, we're taking you to a hospital where you can be properly checked over. You'll be okay now. People are worried about you.” Like a slap in the face, she realised she wasn't dead, she wasn't with him. She wouldn't see him... He was gone... Dead.
She was caught up in her wandering thoughts. Muted voices and fragmented beeps interrupted her musings. She pulled away from her body but was dragged back. There was no escape, no way out, no way to him. Rudely yanked back again as she struggled to get away. Sudden, sharp shocks jerked her back to her dismal existence. The muffled voices intensified and she began to make out some of the words.
“Anna, you got the results of the tox screen yet? There's something going on here, it's not just the water.”
“Not yet. I'm working on it. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.” The voices dissolved into the white noise.
She slowly began to remember him. Remember the times they'd had, the happiness. When things were good. She remembered the beach, the sandcastles. How they were so careless, and so childlike. So... happy. The fun replayed in her mind, the tide coming in, falling on the wet sand in his arms. Watching the ocean steal their castle. Watching the dark envelope them, keeping them safe. Feeling the tide reach their outstretched toes, the water ebbing and frothing at their feet, reaching their hands, feeling the sea gush through their fingers and across their limbs.
As she lay in the hospital bed she was convinced she could still feel herself bathing in the shallows with him. She could still feel the warmth of his hand clasping hers. She could hear the rush of the waves in the dark, gradually diminishing until she registered the doctors' voices again.
“Doctor, I got the toxicology report, it's a paracetamol overdose...” Suddenly, there was a frantic reaction, she could sense the rush, the doctors checking her heart monitor. Calling to other doctors, words that made no sense. All the voices merging together and gradually weakening into nothing...
“She's shutting down, she's fading.” Voices suddenly came forward, though only faintly.
“How many days ago did she take them?!” Even in her weakened state, she could hear the exasperation in his tone.
“We need to bring her back. Quickly!” She felt her pulse slow.
“We need to shock her back.” Anger struck her as she heard this, she wanted to leave this life, she wanted to be back with him. Why did they feel the need to bring her back, to take the possibility of seeing him away? She was powerless to stop them.
“Clear.” Shock surged through her, reaching every nerve ending like pin pricks, forcing her back into her unwanted body which remained limp as a leaf.
“Clear.” Determined, she pushed away from life, as the jolts exploded through her veins, desperate to bring her back. She would not go back, she was almost there, she had nearly succeeded. The voices were fading and the shocks were lessening. She was waning. She sensed her surroundings change as white noise filled her mind like the fuzzy screen of an un-tuned television.
She could see nothing but the darkness, the cold, enveloping darkness. Had she made a mistake? Is there nothing after death? Is this it? She shivered with the thought. A spark suddenly lit the sky, the faint ember of a firework. The distant light of a shooting star. The vague glimmer of hope... is it him?

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